Should I Send the Dick Pic?

First published at Lipmag on 29 August 2013

You know how it is. You’re a rising or established male politician of a certain age. You’re a mayoral candidate or a US congressman or the Member or head of the parliamentary ethics committee (not because you actually have any ethics – just because it seemed like a good stepping stone). You’re probably married to someone you don’t like that much, or maybe to someone you like just fine. And during your travels you come across a nice-looking lady. Maybe she enters into a consensual sexual relationship with you. Maybe you just have the strong impression that she would like to. But at some point, it comes to a head (so to speak), and you find yourself with your dick in one hand and your iPhone in the other. You’re about to send a picture of your dick to this lady.

But stop! Wait! Before you go any further – there’s a niggling voice in the back of your mind (or maybe there isn’t, but work with me here) that says, ‘Hm. This could come back to bite me.’ And could it? How can you tell whether texting a photo of your dick to this lady is a smart decision, or one which might bring down your career? It’s so hard to know where the boundaries are these days.

Fortunately, help is at hand. You don’t have to make this decision alone (which is probably just as well). I have compiled a list of three quick questions to ask yourself before you send that picture, to make sure you’re not making a catastrophic mistake. So, put down your dick (briefly), pick up the glass of red (but not that glass of red, the one you’re actually drinking), and read on…

1. Did this lady ask for a picture of your dick?*

This might seem an obvious place to start, but many a rookie has been caught out by sending an unsolicited dick photo. It’s important that the starting point for the dick-texting scenario is an actual request, preferably in writing, from the recipient. It is not enough that this lady may have seen your dick before, maybe even in the flesh. It is not enough that she gave you the side-eye at that boardroom meeting the other day. It’s not enough that she goes to school with one of your daughters. It is essential that she has requested this image; that she is waiting by her phone with bated breath and perhaps her own glass of red, and that she is expecting the image.

If she has not explicitly asked for a picture of your dick, don’t send the dick pic.

2. Does this lady have your best interests at heart?

How well do you know this lady? Is she someone attractive you met in a bar, or a close cousin? (Hint: if she’s your cousin, don’t send the dick pic.) Is she your longtime mistress? And do you trust her with your political career? Your marriage? Your livelihood, as well as your manhood? It is worth thinking through the lady’s intended purpose with the photo she has requested. Does she intend to delete it when she has finished? Or might she keep it after she’s had her fun and flash it around to all and sundry? These ladies sure can be tricky.

If you are at all uncertain as to this lady’s intended purpose with the picture of your dick, don’t send the dick pic.

3. Can I count on discretion commensurate with the material?

The discretion of the recipient is, of course, paramount. But it’s also to consider the nefarious purposes of others. Might someone, the partner or employee or friend of the recipient, or perhaps a friendly passer-by, upon accidentally seeing the picture of your dick flash up on the screen, recognise it for the tabloid paydirt/comedic gold/election swinger it could be? Could your innocent penis end up a laughing stock?

If there is any possibility at all that the picture will end up on the internet, don’t send the dick pic.

4. Would this photo add to the sum of beauty in the world?

No. No it wouldn’t. Don’t send the dick pic.

*I have never met a woman who has admitted to asking a man for a picture of his penis, although it might sometimes happen.

Special thanks to Amanda Lavis for her brainstorming capabilities and flow-chart drawings.fullredwine

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